Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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