I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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