i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever