I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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