just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
