when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
