take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
