someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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