It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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