I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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