Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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