Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
