I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
