haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
