We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
