she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
