apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
