I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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