I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hippo gnu deer
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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