Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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