Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
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This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
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I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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