apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
