in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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