My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
