I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
