In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
3 2 1 whiskey
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
