some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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