I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
