Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
