she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
