just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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