Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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