Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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