I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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