If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
