btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
