I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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