It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
