dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
