Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
