I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
