I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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