The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
