This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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