Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
