Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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