She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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