i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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