yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
