Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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