So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
