Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
