OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
