I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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