not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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