my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
