Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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