you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
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Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
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Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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