all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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